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“Have a Great Summer” Should Go Hide for the Winter

// Feature // December 5, 2017 // Adam

A few months ago, John Cozz of John Cozz and the Squirts released his latest EP, titled Have a Great Summeror HAGS if you have so little time for him that you can’t even say three whole words and an indefinite article. In the most narcissistic move since naming the band after himself and calling the other guys “Squirt 1 & 2,”  Cozz, felt the need to venture into the realm of multimedia with a film release, a film in which even less people asked for than Transformers: Last Knight (Yes, the fifth one.  No, I didn’t realize they made five until just now either).

Yet, to his credit, there was one single line from the movie that really resonated with me.  “Who the fuck do you think you are, John Cozz?”

The EP is four lukewarm tracks that feature Cozz being shamelessly carried through all nine minutes by Richie and Kevin, who I’m assuming only play in his band to make an argument they should be canonized into sainthood, and was engineered by Max Rauch, because even Michael Jordan missed some shots.  One point in the film shows fellow local band, Shred Flintstone, performing a set while “Summer Kid” is being played over the video and I couldn’t help but think, “mother fuck, I would so much rather be listening to Shred right now.”  That’s not to say the film was without it’s musical high points.  When Big Rock Records calls Cozz’s manager Monty, played by Monty Nummi (because creativity is not his strong point), his cell phone ring is the theme song from the X-Men Animated Series, which was cool because that show was cool and it’s also the shower curtain in my apartment.

Speaking of Big Rock Records, I was, unfortunately, cast to play “Big Rock” Rick, the douche-bag record executive with an equally poor taste in fashion and music.  This was, speaking truthfully, the absolute single lowest point in my career and, upon further introspection, probably also my life.  After I had see the film for my first time at the Meatlocker premier, I left the venue sometime around and went immediately to my grandfather’s grave to apologize to him for what I had done, which was delivering a monologue in which I convince a homeless-looking John Cozz to sign with my label with promises of Nickelback fame, cocaine, and hookers, but if given the choice to get out of having to sit through another viewing of Cozz’s bullshit, I’d be jamming that straw straight up Chad Kroeger’s ass and giving him all I’ve got.

I (laughably) won’t spoil the ending of this “film,” but I will say that when it did reach its merciful conclusion I did give a big sigh of relief, like you would waking up from twisted fever dream.  At this point, I can only urge all of you to pray with me that their will not be a sequel.  If at any point in reading this you may have thought to yourself, “wow, N.J. Racket usually isn’t this harsh; this is pretty messed up,” I ask that you (for as long as you can bear it) watch the HAGS film below and then please post your apology in the comments.  “Sorry for doubting you, N.J. Racket.  John Cozz is a no-brain little prick.”

And just for funsies, here’s a video of some of Cozz’s closest friends chanting “FUCK JOHN COZZ” to close out a show back in July.  Have a Great Summer.

Posted by Tyler Devin Curtis on Sunday, July 16, 2017

Written by Adam

Adam gave man-birth to N.J. Racket and is as close to an "editor-in-chief" the site has. He's a god awful photographer.